When your lover’s wife finds out about you, she thinks it was only an affair. This unnerves you that she is using a downgraded status as a coping mechanism; because she clearly cannot handle the truth that the two of us were deeply in love. Not only that, but we believed we were soul mates and destined to spend our lives together.
It bother’s me that the man I love is married to a woman who thinks we are two horny perverts, that just hooked up. It bothers me that she believes it was just sex. It bothers me that she thinks I am some cheap whore and her husband was just some asshole that wanted a piece. It delegitimizes our relationship. It also makes me out to be this evil vixen and her husband a victim horn-dog who just couldn’t help it. It removes the act of a labored choice, the responsibility we took on and it erases the facts- replaced with a trite, cliqué with zero comprehension of the truth.
We were two adults who went into this with our eyes open and made a deliberate choice. This relationship spanned three years and three countries. For fuck sakes, if he just wanted sex, he would’ve fucked someone in his own damn country and the same goes for me. This started out as sex. It began as an affair- and then something changed. We realized we were madly in love and not only wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but to get married and show the world our commitment publicly.
I was tired of sneeking around, I didn’t want to be a mistress anymore, I was totally done with operating in the dark. I wanted the lights turned on, I wanted the relationship to be public, proud and celebrated, so did my man. I didn’t even want to see him until he was legally separated. This is when our lives became unmanageable.
This post isn’t about airing dirty laundry or sharing what happened. The point is that sometimes when two people meet, it is meant to be and timing can ruin it; fear and most of all guilt can sabotage the greatest of relationships.
I want to be able to admit to myself that my man valued lies over truth, deceit over transparency, a double life over a life one could defend and that he ultimately succumbed to ego, toxic guilt and fear. He has shown no penitence, no shame, no formal apology or effort towards restoration. He in fact is still fighting to keep up a façade that must surely be tormenting. Yet he will do everything in his power to make sure I am the sacrificial lamb. He will cast me off like a worthless item of no value.
Ladies, never flirt with a married man.
Never kiss a married man.
Never text a married man.
Never meet a married man.
Never trust a married man.
Never take a risk on a married man.
Never give any part of yourself to a married man.
Never believe the words of a married man.
My guy told me his son was dying and the only way to save him is that he and his wife would have to have another child because umbilical cord blood could save him.
His son was healthy.
He got the idea because his wife had a cousin whose baby was going to die unless it had umbilical cord blood.
He made this story up to get rid of me.
He got his wife pregnant while leading me to believe the following:
-That he and his wife had discussed divorce and she had accepted it, but was very upset, yet knew they were not in love and hadn’t been for a long time.
-That contractors were working on the house in order to sell it.
-That he was working on a promotion at work in order to have the funds to secure an apartment for us.
-That he would be brining me there soon and that we would finally be together.
The shock of learning all of this was monumental. It nearly destroyed me in every way. I am writing this not only for catharsis because writing heals me, but I am writing it because I know there are thousands of women who fall for married men.
Society demonizes us, not them. Feminists betray their ideology when this happens. Suddenly they side with the man and scorn the woman as an evil temptress. Men are held to a pathetically low standard in the name of – “…he couldn’t help it, she manipulated him, it’s not his fault, he’s just a man, they think with their dicks.”
Ladies of the world, I have shed my ego, my pride, but not my dignity. I speak from experience when I say, there is no upside, there is no good news, there is no happy ending when you love a married man. Hell, even if it is just an affair, even if it is just sex, be careful because love can sneak up on you and wreak havoc on your soul.
I don’t know my man’s wife, I’ve never met her and I have zero relationship with her. I know him though, I know the way he sounds when he sleeps, I know how to soothe his pain when he eats because he has achalasia. I know that no one has ever loved me as much as him. I know that I have never loved any man as I do him. I know that they will be in a perpetual state of pure hell from now on, whether they remain married or not. It will be a distasteful, bitter event that will forever shape their lives. The trust is destroyed and the worst part is that he will always know the truth, which is that he promised to love me, to come for me and make an honest woman of me. He will have to carry that around.
As for me, I am alive, I survived this. I just wanna be alone. I wanna date me. I wanna heal myself. I wanna let other women know that when they meet that someone that flips the switch inside their heart, that they must walk away if it is a man who is married, it will not end well. Men cheat to stay in their marriages, but women cheat to get out of their marriages. Ladies, do not devalue yourself, do not disrespect yourself and allow such a scenario to minimize your right to happiness and love.
I used to hold this story as a private, severe secret. I have learned that secrets are given power by virtue of placing such a high level of importance on concealing a truth, that carrying the secret becomes an albatross. It is a heavy burden to bare such a painful thing in private. By sharing my secret with you, I have just freed myself of its power. Secrets also feed the ego, it tells our brain that it is so significant and defining that our ego thrives on the suffering of this huge, epic dark thing that only we know. This is destructive and it will only cause you to live a life of seclusion, isolation and ultimately fear. Today I have no secrets. I have no fear. Nothing can hurt me because my ego isn’t here anymore. She is gone and has been replaced by truth, living for only today.
Ladies, self-care is the greatest gift you can give yourself. You don’t need anyone to complete you; you have the entire universe inside you. Protect it and don’t let any man take it from you. Keep your power with you. Don’t ever relinquish it to anyone else.