Complicated, Fierce, Lethal and Loving

Today I am fighting demons of the past and the one sitting next to me right now as I type. This demon may as well be my housemate. My demon sings to me, drinks bourbon with me and has no sense of humor. Yet this demon also listens to me, reminds me who I am and shuts me down.

Tonight I want my demon to stop me for 24 hours. I want my demon to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and let me quiet my aching soul for a bit.

As I sit in my 19th century Ottoman era apartment, I look across the street at Damascus Gate, I ask myself what other Jewess of days old suffered? Which ones felt this way once in a while? I wonder about Haggar (who really wasn’t a Jew), when Sarah kicked her ass to the curb for fucking Abraham and getting pregnant. I wonder how Yael felt after committing cold blooded murder in a heroic act, yet alone for sure. I wonder how Eve felt- damn what a load to carry, right? Her husband, the snake, the accusations and suffering to follow…

I could sit here all night documenting my ancestral tale of woe, victory and drama. Sometimes I think their ghosts are in the stones, the trees even. It often feel like all of Jerusalem is one big cathartic ongoing cry. Hell, even this crow has emotional moments. There is a huge black crow who has been stalking me for three days. He stares at me, flies over me and swoops too close to my head. He tries to get in my house and last night he was awake. He decided to perch on my bedroom window and make his annoying sound. I woke up at 6am to find him here. This morning I watched him build a nest. He breaks off dead branches from my neighbors tree and flies them up high into a Cypress tree. He looks at me constantly. I feel like he knows something. I know it sounds weird, but Jerusalem is weird. I am weird.

I haven’t left my house since Monday and it’s Wednesday evening – I think. It’s just been a rough couple months of a long, drawn-out break-up. Holding on, when I should be letting go. I never discuss my personal life in my blog and I never will. Yet I often feel that writing is my friend. My laptop knows everything- I mean EVERYTHING about me. I think the Jerusalem stone knows and so does the crow. This comforts me…


About jewess

I am a Judaic Studies academic who loves all facets of Jewry. I am at my core and artistic being, as I am a classically trained pianist and composer. I love aesthetics and my dog. I am a misanthrope, but try to be kind to everyone.
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