Up until recently the word hate was not a part of my vocabulary. In fact, I raised my daughter in a household where we did not use the word hate, not for anything.
My belief on the word hate was that it is extreme. Nothing in the world could be worthy of the most severe expression of negativity as the term hate.
Saying- “I hate my school”, or “I hate this green bean casserole”, or “I hate going to the dentist”, are overused and therefore useless. None of them are worthy of such a powerful term that carries the heaviest of all dark sentiment.
Yet I had another belief, which was on a deeper level. I have hated twice in my life. The first was my father and at the age of 20 I released it. I realized that I didn’t want to hate because I didn’t want to be consumed by it. I knew if I held onto my hatred of him, then that would be like carrying him around 24/7. That’s the last thing I wanted. Walking away and never thinking about him was far better.
The second incident of hate was my first husband’s ex-wife. She devoted her life to ruining my marriage and was relentless, but I gave up my hatred of her too. In fact, I did it in a matter of seconds. One day she called the house just to harass my husband, which was a regular activity. I told her to shut up, fuck off and leave us alone. I screamed it at her, loudly, defiantly. Boom. From that moment on, I was cured. I was immediately freed from this dark ugly feeling that I harbored day and night.
Hatred is dangerous to the person who hates, not the person on the receiving end of hate. It is true- “hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
Today I am a new person. I am not even slightly the woman I used to be. Today I am the product of Israel. Israel hates her enemies, for 4,000 years it is hate that has kept Israel from not trusting those who would betray her. I am not a survivor, I am a conqueror. Israel taught me the value of hate, but it’s tricky. It’s not so simple as I understood it decades ago. After all I have lived through, I have come to see hate as a helpful device to protect me against those whom have harmed me and would likely harm me all over again, if I gave them the chance to get close enough.
Hate is now my friend. Hate has made me sharper, quicker and cunning.Hate has taught me that with just the right amount, carefully weighed, in order to give you strength, not kill you- indeed, you will be fierce and never ever fall prey to anyone again. It makes you wiser, more cautious and less soft.
It reminds me of the scene in Exodus God and Kings. The Pharaoh milks the viper and drinks a bit of the toxin. He claims that this regular dose of snake venom will protect him from any future attack by a poisonous snake.
It is all is so crystal clear to me now. The tiny dose of hate I have swallowed and deeply ingested into my soul protects me. There is no future assault from anyone that can poison me now.
Hate is special, as it should be, much like love. Of course they are two sides opposite the same coin. Love too, is to be special, even sacred. You cannot just throw love around, even speaking the term “love” so casually is despicable. Love and hate should only be reserved for a truly short list, one’s who have earned it. If one has to earn my love, then it stands to reason, one has to earn my hate.
I feel better now.
It is a delicate matter and I would never advise anyone to do what I have done.It would be like telling someone to learn how to use just a little bit on heroin on the most rare occasion. No. You would never advise such a thing. Yet that is what I have found to work for me. Then again, I am someone else entirely now. This would’ve never worked for Kara. It only works for me because I am Yael.